‘Am I crazy?’ It’s been 9 years since I paid my rent and I spent $10,000 to improve his house. He is also listed on my health insurance. What should i do?

By Quentin Fottrell

Now I pay $1,100 a month in rent. I’m also paying for his $200 health insurance.’

Dear Quentin,

I have a condition that has caused a lot of problems in my relationship. We have been dating for 17 years, we have been living together for almost nine years and we have been engaged for six years.

When I moved into his house, we agreed that I would pay $600 a month in rent. Over the years, I’ve increased my rent payment and taken on other expenses, such as the $300 cable-and-internet bill. I have also contributed to some of the home improvements, about $10,000 in total.

Also, when we go out to eat, maybe 60% of the time, I usually pay.

Now I pay $1,100 a month in rent. He is retired and listed as a partner in my health insurance. I am also paying his $200 health insurance premium.

However, his former employer reimburses his health insurance costs, and he keeps that money. He said he “paid” my lease nine years ago to help me financially, and now it’s “paid” since I have no debt.

Wait, what? I paid him exactly what he asked for at the time without question, and there was no discussion that the agreed upon list was below market value or “feel” to him. .

This has caused the breakdown of our relationship, because we have a very different view of money. I am very kind to it.

The cherry on top is that we both trust him, and he refuses to tell me any details about him. If he died tomorrow, I would be in the dark. He knows all my personal things, including the fact that he is included in it.

Am I crazy to feel this way about rent, health insurance and trust?

Thank You For Your Guidance

Dear Thanks,

You are not stupid. You’re in trouble.

We can go back and forth all day long on who is wrong. But whether or not either of you believed the apartment was below market value, you both agreed on it. It looks like you believed it was a fair price. There were no blindfolds or lottery tickets involved. You came to an arrangement that worked for both of you at that time, and you both walked into that arrangement with your eyes wide open. And over the years, you and your girlfriend have benefited from living together: You have a place to live, and she earns extra money.

The problem, I believe, is more than the $200 cost of health insurance. It’s likely that anger has built up over time, maybe because of the amount of money you’ve spent on rehab or on health insurance, or maybe because of an imbalance of financial power. I guess it’s a little bit of both, maybe a lot of frustration because of the last one: He’s the owner of the house, and you’re the real tenant.

There are no victims here, only volunteers. You have offered to live in his house for the past nine years and pay for improvements in addition to $10,000. I agree that it is a lot of money at first glance. But keep in mind that home maintenance is expensive — property taxes, mortgage interest, gas and electricity, and more, so $10,000 is about $93 a month over the years you’ve lived there. Wear and tear, kindness and different contributions.

Another disadvantage is related to your dependencies. Your partner is not clear about how much money he has and whether you are a blessing. Again, this is part of a bigger problem: Lack of financial confidence. It’s interesting because you’ve already given up on your financial responsibilities, but your plan has many deeper problems for both of you. This may be one of the reasons why your engagement has been extended to six years.

With the important warning that I heard on your side of the story, there is a serious flaw, or confusion at best, in the statement of your desire that he helped in your early years the list. While it is your responsibility to be aware of list-market rates, this is another important factor that has not been used (until now). Anger is like dry rot in the structure of a house. They grow deeper over time, weakening the foundations of the relationship.

I have some questions for you: Do you want to live in his house after you get married? Do you have your own house? Do you have enough savings to buy your own home? Assuming living with your spouse is Plan A, what is your Plan B if you separate? Is this a happy relationship? My reason for asking: If you feel that your options are limited, you may be more willing to agree to things that don’t make you happy.

By picking up the check in a restaurant, you may feel like you’re putting some kind of equity back into the relationship, but it doesn’t last. You are in charge that night by paying for your lover’s meal. But (a) that’s part of a long-term social contract, sex is changing over time and (b) it doesn’t change the fact that you live in your partner’s house – and if the relationship ends, so is your life. arrangement.

Finally, it’s important not to let your $10,000 renewal or $200-a-month health insurance payment become a burden on the entire balance of the loan. strength in the relationship. While those gestures show a lot of kindness, they also come with a “gift tax.” The more you pay and the longer you live under that roof, the more you feel you have the right to stay in your lover’s house for a long time.

And that was the person who finally called the picture.

Follow Quentin Fottrell on Twitter.

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and coronavirus-related questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com.

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Added by Quentin Fottrell:

‘We can finish each other’s sentences’: ‘I’m getting married in 2023. I want a wedding. He wants to consolidate our finances. What do I do?

I want to meet a rich man. Is that really wrong?’ I am 46 years old, earn $210,000, and own a $700,000 home. I’m tired of dating ‘losers.’

‘I want to thrive’: I’m 29, work part-time, and left an abusive relationship of 15 years. How do I get back on my feet financially?

-Quentin Fottrell

 

(Conclusion) Dow Jones Newswires

01-21-23 0834ET

Copyright (c) 2023 Dow Jones & Company, Inc.

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